Saturday, December 13, 2014

My Terrible Christmas Tree

It's almost Christmas, and all I've thought about for the last two weeks is dinosaurs. Thank god for Matt over at Dino Drac, who gave me a stupid activity to inject a little Christmas in my...Christmas.

The idea is to take a simple blank Christmas tree pattern, and slap a lot of gaudy crap on it 'till you feel like you've achieved something. And boy howdy did I achieve something.

Just... just let that soak in. Oh, it's terrible looking but I had a BLAST making it. There's nothing like throwing things at a picture, consequences be damned! Besides, looking terrible was kind of the point. It's just a genuine, unfiltered blast of everything a single person holds dear at Christmas time. If it takes longer than an hour or two, you're doing it wrong. If your Christmas spirit is a little winded like mine was, click that link above and give it a whirl. I guarantee it's the holly jolly placebo you need.

And so, in another move blatantly stolen from Matt, here's a numbered photo!

1. I guess I should mention the giant gorilla in the room, or giant Sasquatch lady as it were. It's funny because they're both APES. I probably shouldn't be typing this right after eating a three year old cereal straw. This is Thump-a-thump, another of those characters I've been doodling forever. But having her decorate a tree is about more than cryptozoological eye-candy. It's my own little homage to my favorite Christmas scene of all time: The Bumble putting the star on top of Santa's tree. The rest of Rudolph is nice, but give me that one scene and I'm happy for a lifetime. He's just so happy, and the elves love him...and...*SNIFF*

 Also, I can draw. I really can! I was just messing around in paint, I swear!

2. It's Clawdeen! I was really tempted to draw her too, but Thump took way too long and I was pushing the quality-to-effort ratio hardcore already.

3. Shine Sprite star! I actually had one of these made of cardboard on a tree in my room once. That sentence should have ended sooner. Oops. I've loved the idea ever since, even though they haven't been relevant since Mario Sunshine. Keep your overrated Starman, I'm standing by his tropical cousin.

4. Mammoth ornament! How are mammoths not a Christmas icon? They're big adorable animals that lived in snow! Owls don't even like snow. How did they land the whole winter gig? I guess there's only room for one holiday beast of burden, and Rudolph has name value.

5. It's Kleavage, our orc-y mascot as a plushie. Plushies are a must for me in the Christmas season. Doesn't have to be thematic, I got a giant stuffed rhino last year with no warning, and I was practically puking seasonal joy. Something about soft fur just says "winter" to me.

6. The tree I had in my room was white, and I've had a soft spot for them ever since. Yes, they're gaudy and awful. But I love them. Why? Because I LOVE THEM. Next question.

7. Tapir ornament! Tapirs are my favorite animal, and I'm a slave to my passions. No other reason, really.

8. The Batman Forever soundtrack. I like Batman Forever. There, I said it. It's purely nostalgia, but it probably means more to me than any other Batman movie. Nolan and Burton can't compete with childhood bliss and Val Kilmer. The soundtrack was a Christmas gift that somehow intertwined itself into my idea of Christmas, and I've been singing "Kiss From a Rose" all month. Like I do every year. Seal is my personal Sam the Snowman.

9.Tendril! Do I even need to justify this? It's Inhumanoids. Everyone loves these giant monster toys, and Tendril was always my favorite. Unfortunately ours was missing his head. I played with him anyway. THAT is how freakin' cool Tendril was.

10.Primal Rage figures. I covered how much Blizzard means to me here. I was going to put Blizzard in the picture, but I went with Armaddon instead since I don't actually own him. As long as we're pretending, might as well dream big. Someday Talon, Armaddon, Vertigo, and Sauron will join their demigod friends. I swear it.

11. The JP T. Rex, or as collectors call it the Red Rex. This has been the unattainable object of my childhood desires for time immemorial. I just got the Papo Rexy, which is honestly a better representation of the JP dino and I absolutely love it. But I'll always carry a flame for the Red Rex of my dreams. My own White Whale. They're actually only like 150 bucks on ebay at the most, but that might as well be a million at this point.

12. Batman Returns Catwoman! I'm not going to lie: I probably want this more than any of the other goofy things on this fantasy list. I used to have one. Then she disappeared. Then we got another. And she disappeared. Thus the Catwoman curse began. Literally every Catwoman I ever had as a child just disappeared one day without a trace, and the mystery just drove me to obsession. Now the only one I own is the Lego mini figure, and I'm constantly paranoid she'll be gone. This figure is also just really neat, and the packaging is lovely beyond words.

13. Wampa rug! This is one of those things you dream about but would never buy. I would adore one if I had it, but that white fuzz would stay clean for all of ten minutes before being damned to an eternity of dingy off-white. You just know it attracts dirt like nobody's business. So I commit my shaggy Wampa rug fantasies to the land of dreams, only able to imagine the furry wonders it holds.

Hopefully this is legible and in some way entertaining. Perhaps a hastily written, poorly made article is fitting for a hastily made, poorly conceived Christmas tree. I'm gonna' sleep off that cereal stick now.

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