Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Madame Mordessa's: Trollkong

You find yourself knocking on the front door of an eerie manor house in the remote foothills of Ireland. Lightning strikes in the distance as the old door slowly creak's open, revealing an entrance hall trimmed in red and lit by torches. As you step inside, a furry gremlin with the wings of a bat perches on your shoulder, leans into your ear and whispers: Welcome to...

 Good evening, dear patrons. You've arrived just in time to meet our honored guest for the evening. A savage beast from the far-off lands of the Orient, the mighty Troll Kong comes from the mind of  Mitsutoshi Shimabukuro.  Say what you will of the Japanese more... exotic tastes, but they most certainly know their monsters. What could be more exciting than a giant ape that can dismember not two, but all four limbs at once! Just think of the time saved.

This giant brute's name alone warms my cackles. The horrid Trolls of Norway, and the savage apes of Skull Island are both so near and dear to what's left of my heart. What could possibly be better than a combination of the two? Why, more than one of course! They just love to travel with friends. In fact, this photo shows a troupe of thirty three hairy, violent apes! Let's say it took roughly five bi-planes to bring down King Kong in New York. Now double that for the quadro-limbed Troll Kongs. To eradicate a troupe of Thirty three bestial Troll Kongs, you would need a fleet of three hundred and thirty bi-planes! Those are just delicious numbers.

And that's not even including the Alpha! Every troupe is lead by a grizzled old veteran called the silverback, Who is rumored to be as intelligent as the average human, if not smarter. I say that's a low bar to aim for (no offense meant to present company), but I suppose it's an upgrade for your average simian. At the very least, it makes them all the more adept at thwarting human war machines. 

The average Troll Kong stands at nearly fifteen feet and weighs almost two tons. A mix of sheer size, strong limbs, and animalistic cunning, the Troll Kong just may be the most adorable of apes. Good night, daring visitors, and remember to exit through the gift shop if you want to claim your own little Troll Kong. And who wouldn't? Four arms, all the more to squeeze you tight.

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