Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween 2013

Whelp, the day is here. Enjoy yourselves, you wretches of the night.


He's a gillman...hunchback...unibrow...thing. I dunno, procrastination leads to "interpretive art" pumpkins apparently. They can't all be winners, but he's certainly ghastly enough.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Monsters In My Pocket

The late 80's toy market was rampant with little rubber guys, and if you weren't packing Muscles, you had Monsters In Your Pockets. Well, Monsters In My Pocket any way. Sorry to hold out on you, but that's just how copyright law works. This little line of neon monochrome monsters had some range- I had everything from a gryphon to Spring Heeled Jack at the time. Tons of real-world myths and urban legends in small collectible form, you say? Sounds familiar. Unfortunately, the ravages of time have taken their toll, and stolen away all but three of these squishy pocket beasts.

My favorite of the three, this dirty little Gremlin had a heavy hand in forming my idea of what goblin critters look like. Need proof? Just look at the banner. Stocky muscely frame, pointy ears, snubby snout nose and fangy grin? CHECK. It's also why any Gremlin I draw is always yellow. Always. He's really an all purpose goblinoid. Need a mincing minion for an evil queen? He's your guy. Hobbits getting into your garden? Give 'em a call. Recreating the cover of Ghoulies in a tiny toilet? He works for peanuts!

Catoblepus here is a fine example of how obscure this line can get. Even if you know what a Catoblepus is, you probably think it looks like a brass bull that spews poison gas. Blame Castlevania. It's officially described as a Water Buffalo with a boar's head and breathe that turns you to stone. Huh. No wings. No bowl cut. Who the hell knows what the sculptor was thinking, but then again, who cares? Would you back-sass Shemp the gargoyle here in a dark dungeon? He may not look the part, but I guarantee he'd still find a way to turn you to stone, and there are much more unwholesome ways than breathing on you.

Poor Mummy is looking a little plain Jane in this line up. He might not be some fany Norse troll or Lovecraftian abomination, but he gets the job done and he does it with pride. The job being, "dress in rags and shuffle a little. Maybe toss a curse or two around." He may be a stereotype, but he's a classic stereotype. Who doesn't love mummies? Can a zombie curse you to an eternity of dysentery? Maybe command vultures to rip at your innards, or the sand itself to drag you down? Yeah, I think we know who wins the shuffling undead MVP. 

 I really wish I could show you more, but like I said before these are the only survivors of a once proud collection. And these tiny rubber spooks are EXPENSIVE. There are alternatives, OMFG is a lovely little set of designer toys that mimics this style. Jakks has a line of zombies called SLUGS which is ok. Nothing can quite fill the gap that Monsters in My Pocket has left, though. The quirky little sculpts mixed with the deep monster lore made MIMP a truly unique set of squishy goober dudes.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Josephine Tussaud Wax Museum

Wax museums are creepy at the best of times, but place I'm about to show you... it has it's own special brand of encroaching nausea and dread. The Josephine Tussaud Wax Museum in Hot Springs, AR has existed since 1971, and you can feel it. The warped floorboards creak in discomfort as you step across them, and glass eyes stare out at the same dark hallways they've witnessed for four decades. Just looking at these pictures I can smell the place. I love it. It's one of those rare places that doesn't have a purpose in modern times, but just refuses to fade away. A focal point of forgotten intents and frozen, preserved zeitgeists. Just look at this.

Yeah, these pictures are blurry, but that's how this place feels. The lights are clouded, the hallways are dark, and you never get too clear a view of anything. Also, Mary Todd Lincoln saw Boothe coming. Bitch!

This is probably the best figure in the museum, based on American Werewolf in London. He stands guard at the entrance to the horror section with some Universal wanna-bes, but nothing in that area can even compare to the terror that is Fantasy land.

EVERYTHING here is just unsettling, the yellow lighting, the realistically skinned cartoon characters, the fact that it's just inches away from the torture scenes in horror land. But the absolute worst of all is the Snow White section.

Look at that real ass deer! Look at it! Dopey and Sleepy are mindlessly babbling and ruminating over a real deer carcass. How could things get any more unsettling?

Oh god. I... I think my nose is bleeding. Fittingly enough, this is the last exhibit in the museum. They know you can't POSSIBLY take anymore of this madness after this. Stay Happy friends.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Madame Mordessa: Bishopville Lizard Man

You find yourself knocking on the front door of an eerie manor house in the gator infested swamps of Florida. Lightning strikes in the distance as the old door slowly creaks open, revealing an entrance hall trimmed in red and lit by torches. As you step inside, a furry gremlin with the wings of a bat perches on your shoulder, leans into your ear and whispers: Welcome to...

Oh, greetings dear patrons. I'm sorry, I was expecting someone else. He lives in the area, perhaps you've seen him? Seven feet tall, green and scaly? Likes to be called "Lizard Man"?

Well, I don't know if he likes the name in all honesty. He's not much of a conversationalist. You'd be lucky to get more than a hiss or snarl out of him, but that's what the citizens of Bishopville have taken to calling him. After all, you need a catchy name for the headlines when you're reporting the night time antics of a giant reptilian humanoid. His nocturnal activities usually involve a savage attack on a parked SUV. We've all been there, haven't we? You drain the life blood of a holy man, and the next thing you know hydraulic fluid is dripping down your arms and the engine of a land rover is in your hands, still steaming from the cold night air and inescapable throbbing of the pistons...

...I digress. The only evidence to be found of these vehicular rampages are bloodied headlights and shredded bumpers. Who can say what causes these self destructive fits? Perhaps he feels threatened by the ever spreading human sprawl, and seeks to frighten away his territorial competitors and preserve his swamp centric way of life. Or perhaps he's just afraid of cars. Some theorize that there is not one but many lizard men, a subterranean civilization descended from the dinosaurs and bent on destroying the mammals who usurped their throne. These are, of course, fairy tales. He may be an entertaining dinner guest, but the lizard man is no vengeful saurian saboteur. Just a simple reptile with an irrational fear of  automobiles. 

Good night, dear patrons, and if you should see my friend on your way home try not to look him in the eye. He may mistake you for an SUV. He mistakes alot of things for SUVs...

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Lego Monster Fighters Werewolf

Remember that Lego ghost kit last year? From the Monster Fighters line? Well, apparently they made monsters besides ghosts! Who knew?

Haaa I'm just bitter I had to wait an entire year to own this set. You see, I have a confession to make. Werewolves? I kind of like them. Maybe I REALLY like them. Maybe I've been obsessed with werewolves since I was six. Just maybe. Oh, would you look at that. LEGO WEREWOLF.

Oh, and there is a 1930's era all terrain vehicle with revolvers for exhaust pipes? Oh my.

Two figures are included: Major Quinton Steele, monster hunter extraordinaire and your Allan Quartermane substitute for the evening. The detail on Lego figs as of late is just ridiculous. The wrinkled map tucked into a bandolier of massive shotgun rounds tell you exactly who this is and what he does without saying a word. Toting an elephant rifle the size of your body doesn't hurt either.

And then their is the titular Loup Garou in all of his fuzzy lumberjack glory. Just look at that fantastic new headpiece, looking like a mix of classic prosthetic wolf man mask and an actual wolf. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the hand held wolverine claws, but hey they glow in the dark so that's cool.

This kit is like a pulp horror film in a box: You can just imagine that beast of a car belching fire and smoke in an old growth forest, the grizzled hunter trying to run down a ravenous man-beast before it can kill again.

And who doesn't love a travel sized Lycanthrope? Besides fortune telling gypsies, of course.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Troll Kong Papercraft

So, believe it or not, this pattern has been sitting on my computer since last year. Whoops.

Bear in mind my printer is terrible, so your little Troll Kong's green fur should be much sharper and crisper. just use a sharp knife to cut the jawline etc. to make them pop out BEFORE glueing any thing together. Be sure to read the Madame Mordessa's article on this guy here. Have fun!

Madame Mordessa's: Trollkong

You find yourself knocking on the front door of an eerie manor house in the remote foothills of Ireland. Lightning strikes in the distance as the old door slowly creak's open, revealing an entrance hall trimmed in red and lit by torches. As you step inside, a furry gremlin with the wings of a bat perches on your shoulder, leans into your ear and whispers: Welcome to...

 Good evening, dear patrons. You've arrived just in time to meet our honored guest for the evening. A savage beast from the far-off lands of the Orient, the mighty Troll Kong comes from the mind of  Mitsutoshi Shimabukuro.  Say what you will of the Japanese more... exotic tastes, but they most certainly know their monsters. What could be more exciting than a giant ape that can dismember not two, but all four limbs at once! Just think of the time saved.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ghoul Aid Jammers

My ghastly acquaintances, meet the official drink of Halloween 2013.

Ghoul-aid Jammers! Ghoul-aid has always been top dog on the spooky drink totem pole (know your place, Jones soda co.) but now for 2 bucks, you don't even have to make it! No more sugar sticking to your feet and tangy powder up your nose... maybe I'm just horrible at making Kool-aid. But no more! My cup is made of silver foil, and it runneth over. Or should I say DOESN'T runneth over, 'cuz it comes with a convenient straw! I await your rebuttal, powder-peasants.

I wouldn't want to drink something that tastes like blackberries every day, but it just feels right in October. Blackberries are the most sadistic of berries after all. If you even have to ask why, you've obviously never picked them. Tiny thorns and splinters in your hands for days, and the staining. Nothing can stop the staining.

The best thing about buying pre-made Kool-aid is that you KNOW it's going to taste like it's supposed to. Kool-aid is an intricate chemical ballet of water to sugar ratios, and no two hand mixed batches will EVER taste the same. But this is straight from the source. You couldn't find better quality Ghoul-aid if you drank straight from the Kool-aid man's cherry liquid innards. OH YEAH!

"Godzilla love Ghoul-aid! It quench Gamma sized thirst!"

Why did Godzilla switch brains with the Hulk? Because there's only so much to say about Kool-aid in pouches. And "SKREEEEEEEE-OOOOONK" Doesn't convey the message here. That message being, "Buy Kool-aid in pouches."