Monday, December 2, 2013

No Pictures Like Snow Pictures


 When ever it snows, I have a habit of dragging out every toy I own and taking five billion pictures. I'm a Yeti, I like to play in the snow, what do you want from me? But they always end up just sitting on my hard drive doing absolutely nothing. Not so today! Today, I'll just dump them on you and let you sort them out! Some may be old, some new but they're all most definitely festive.





Look, I've been listening to the Christmas juke box over at dinodrac, and digging through snow pictures and I'm just feeling all sappy and...just hold me...

Oh, we have twitter account now, too. Just click that new "contact me" box right over there ----------->

 Can we just all give Clawdeen here a hand? For an inanimate doll, she's the best model a photographer could ask for. That costume was most definitely not winter tested.





Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Macy's Day Parade Pre-game 2013



On the fourth Thursday of November, the Macy's Day Parade is literally my reason for living. Yeah, food, whatever but if I don't see Pikachu at least once god help you because I will bitch about it all day long. My favorite part of the Turkey-Day-Slow-Jog for the past couple years has been the official website. They list everything ahead of time from the balloon line-up to rough time slots, so I know exactly when to stop ignoring the marching bands. I've got a full meal to cook at seven am, do you really expect me to just sit there while Tony Danza yodels in my ear? No sir, time is of the essence. 

The highlights of this year are:

TOOTHLESS

Eeeeeeheheheeeee! Ive been on a big Dragon kick for the past week, and the idea of Chris Sanders' kitty cat dragon looming ominously over the Oklohoma State Junior Red Savages Marching Squad is doing so much for me right now.


SONIC

Every year Sonic shows up, and every year I'm amazed. How? How does Sonic the hedgehog get to be as prolific as Spider-man in a nation wide event? Don't get me wrong, I love Sonic, and I hope he sticks around forever. But c'mon, this isn't even what he looks like anymore! Sega must have signed quite the deal to keep holding that blue spiky gun to Macy's head every year. More power to you, you beautiful outdated sonuvabitch.

Finn and Jake

This...this just makes so much sense. How has this not already happened? Jake is literally a living balloon! And their bodies are made of simple curved lines! If anyone deserves to be honored in the form of sexy, squeaky latex it is Finn and Jake. Sweet mother of Glob.

TMNT

The floats are have become a complete snooze fest in recent years, but imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this among the pile of ugly clowns and irrelevant celebrities! A Ninja Turtles float with real fake ninja turtles! And a band! If the turtles bust out a fat rhyme, I'm just throwing in the towel and going back to bed. Thanksgiving over, nothing will be worth my time after something as amazing as that. This, this is what I always imagine the parade will be like every year. Even though it hasn't been since '98. I mean, when was the last time the Turtles even showed up in a parade, period?

Considering I'm writing this at eight pm the day before, Happy Turkey Day! Now get out of here, there's gluttony to be done in the morn'.


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Hedolga and the Gnome

And now for something completely different.



Hedolga is Troll character I've had since 2007, and don't draw nearly as often as I should. I think the punch line here works just fine as a non-sequitur, but in the spirit of ruining the joke I'll explain. According to Gnomes by Wil Huygen, Trolls just love to burn little gnome butts on grindstones. I suspect an afternoon of Troll domination is a favorite Gnome pass-time. Cheeky little buggers.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween 2013

Whelp, the day is here. Enjoy yourselves, you wretches of the night.

 

He's a gillman...hunchback...unibrow...thing. I dunno, procrastination leads to "interpretive art" pumpkins apparently. They can't all be winners, but he's certainly ghastly enough.



Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Monsters In My Pocket

The late 80's toy market was rampant with little rubber guys, and if you weren't packing Muscles, you had Monsters In Your Pockets. Well, Monsters In My Pocket any way. Sorry to hold out on you, but that's just how copyright law works. This little line of neon monochrome monsters had some range- I had everything from a gryphon to Spring Heeled Jack at the time. Tons of real-world myths and urban legends in small collectible form, you say? Sounds familiar. Unfortunately, the ravages of time have taken their toll, and stolen away all but three of these squishy pocket beasts.


My favorite of the three, this dirty little Gremlin had a heavy hand in forming my idea of what goblin critters look like. Need proof? Just look at the banner. Stocky muscely frame, pointy ears, snubby snout nose and fangy grin? CHECK. It's also why any Gremlin I draw is always yellow. Always. He's really an all purpose goblinoid. Need a mincing minion for an evil queen? He's your guy. Hobbits getting into your garden? Give 'em a call. Recreating the cover of Ghoulies in a tiny toilet? He works for peanuts!

Catoblepus here is a fine example of how obscure this line can get. Even if you know what a Catoblepus is, you probably think it looks like a brass bull that spews poison gas. Blame Castlevania. It's officially described as a Water Buffalo with a boar's head and breathe that turns you to stone. Huh. No wings. No bowl cut. Who the hell knows what the sculptor was thinking, but then again, who cares? Would you back-sass Shemp the gargoyle here in a dark dungeon? He may not look the part, but I guarantee he'd still find a way to turn you to stone, and there are much more unwholesome ways than breathing on you.

Poor Mummy is looking a little plain Jane in this line up. He might not be some fany Norse troll or Lovecraftian abomination, but he gets the job done and he does it with pride. The job being, "dress in rags and shuffle a little. Maybe toss a curse or two around." He may be a stereotype, but he's a classic stereotype. Who doesn't love mummies? Can a zombie curse you to an eternity of dysentery? Maybe command vultures to rip at your innards, or the sand itself to drag you down? Yeah, I think we know who wins the shuffling undead MVP. 

 I really wish I could show you more, but like I said before these are the only survivors of a once proud collection. And these tiny rubber spooks are EXPENSIVE. There are alternatives, OMFG is a lovely little set of designer toys that mimics this style. Jakks has a line of zombies called SLUGS which is ok. Nothing can quite fill the gap that Monsters in My Pocket has left, though. The quirky little sculpts mixed with the deep monster lore made MIMP a truly unique set of squishy goober dudes.


 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Josephine Tussaud Wax Museum

Wax museums are creepy at the best of times, but place I'm about to show you... it has it's own special brand of encroaching nausea and dread. The Josephine Tussaud Wax Museum in Hot Springs, AR has existed since 1971, and you can feel it. The warped floorboards creak in discomfort as you step across them, and glass eyes stare out at the same dark hallways they've witnessed for four decades. Just looking at these pictures I can smell the place. I love it. It's one of those rare places that doesn't have a purpose in modern times, but just refuses to fade away. A focal point of forgotten intents and frozen, preserved zeitgeists. Just look at this.



Yeah, these pictures are blurry, but that's how this place feels. The lights are clouded, the hallways are dark, and you never get too clear a view of anything. Also, Mary Todd Lincoln saw Boothe coming. Bitch!



This is probably the best figure in the museum, based on American Werewolf in London. He stands guard at the entrance to the horror section with some Universal wanna-bes, but nothing in that area can even compare to the terror that is Fantasy land.




EVERYTHING here is just unsettling, the yellow lighting, the realistically skinned cartoon characters, the fact that it's just inches away from the torture scenes in horror land. But the absolute worst of all is the Snow White section.


Look at that real ass deer! Look at it! Dopey and Sleepy are mindlessly babbling and ruminating over a real deer carcass. How could things get any more unsettling?



Oh god. I... I think my nose is bleeding. Fittingly enough, this is the last exhibit in the museum. They know you can't POSSIBLY take anymore of this madness after this. Stay Happy friends.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Madame Mordessa: Bishopville Lizard Man

You find yourself knocking on the front door of an eerie manor house in the gator infested swamps of Florida. Lightning strikes in the distance as the old door slowly creaks open, revealing an entrance hall trimmed in red and lit by torches. As you step inside, a furry gremlin with the wings of a bat perches on your shoulder, leans into your ear and whispers: Welcome to...






 
Oh, greetings dear patrons. I'm sorry, I was expecting someone else. He lives in the area, perhaps you've seen him? Seven feet tall, green and scaly? Likes to be called "Lizard Man"?


Well, I don't know if he likes the name in all honesty. He's not much of a conversationalist. You'd be lucky to get more than a hiss or snarl out of him, but that's what the citizens of Bishopville have taken to calling him. After all, you need a catchy name for the headlines when you're reporting the night time antics of a giant reptilian humanoid. His nocturnal activities usually involve a savage attack on a parked SUV. We've all been there, haven't we? You drain the life blood of a holy man, and the next thing you know hydraulic fluid is dripping down your arms and the engine of a land rover is in your hands, still steaming from the cold night air and inescapable throbbing of the pistons...


...I digress. The only evidence to be found of these vehicular rampages are bloodied headlights and shredded bumpers. Who can say what causes these self destructive fits? Perhaps he feels threatened by the ever spreading human sprawl, and seeks to frighten away his territorial competitors and preserve his swamp centric way of life. Or perhaps he's just afraid of cars. Some theorize that there is not one but many lizard men, a subterranean civilization descended from the dinosaurs and bent on destroying the mammals who usurped their throne. These are, of course, fairy tales. He may be an entertaining dinner guest, but the lizard man is no vengeful saurian saboteur. Just a simple reptile with an irrational fear of  automobiles. 


Good night, dear patrons, and if you should see my friend on your way home try not to look him in the eye. He may mistake you for an SUV. He mistakes alot of things for SUVs...

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Lego Monster Fighters Werewolf

Remember that Lego ghost kit last year? From the Monster Fighters line? Well, apparently they made monsters besides ghosts! Who knew?



Haaa I'm just bitter I had to wait an entire year to own this set. You see, I have a confession to make. Werewolves? I kind of like them. Maybe I REALLY like them. Maybe I've been obsessed with werewolves since I was six. Just maybe. Oh, would you look at that. LEGO WEREWOLF.

Oh, and there is a 1930's era all terrain vehicle with revolvers for exhaust pipes? Oh my.

Two figures are included: Major Quinton Steele, monster hunter extraordinaire and your Allan Quartermane substitute for the evening. The detail on Lego figs as of late is just ridiculous. The wrinkled map tucked into a bandolier of massive shotgun rounds tell you exactly who this is and what he does without saying a word. Toting an elephant rifle the size of your body doesn't hurt either.


And then their is the titular Loup Garou in all of his fuzzy lumberjack glory. Just look at that fantastic new headpiece, looking like a mix of classic prosthetic wolf man mask and an actual wolf. I'm not quite sure how I feel about the hand held wolverine claws, but hey they glow in the dark so that's cool.

This kit is like a pulp horror film in a box: You can just imagine that beast of a car belching fire and smoke in an old growth forest, the grizzled hunter trying to run down a ravenous man-beast before it can kill again.

And who doesn't love a travel sized Lycanthrope? Besides fortune telling gypsies, of course.

 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Troll Kong Papercraft

So, believe it or not, this pattern has been sitting on my computer since last year. Whoops.


Bear in mind my printer is terrible, so your little Troll Kong's green fur should be much sharper and crisper. just use a sharp knife to cut the jawline etc. to make them pop out BEFORE glueing any thing together. Be sure to read the Madame Mordessa's article on this guy here. Have fun!



Madame Mordessa's: Trollkong

You find yourself knocking on the front door of an eerie manor house in the remote foothills of Ireland. Lightning strikes in the distance as the old door slowly creak's open, revealing an entrance hall trimmed in red and lit by torches. As you step inside, a furry gremlin with the wings of a bat perches on your shoulder, leans into your ear and whispers: Welcome to...


 Good evening, dear patrons. You've arrived just in time to meet our honored guest for the evening. A savage beast from the far-off lands of the Orient, the mighty Troll Kong comes from the mind of  Mitsutoshi Shimabukuro.  Say what you will of the Japanese more... exotic tastes, but they most certainly know their monsters. What could be more exciting than a giant ape that can dismember not two, but all four limbs at once! Just think of the time saved.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Ghoul Aid Jammers

My ghastly acquaintances, meet the official drink of Halloween 2013.




Ghoul-aid Jammers! Ghoul-aid has always been top dog on the spooky drink totem pole (know your place, Jones soda co.) but now for 2 bucks, you don't even have to make it! No more sugar sticking to your feet and tangy powder up your nose... maybe I'm just horrible at making Kool-aid. But no more! My cup is made of silver foil, and it runneth over. Or should I say DOESN'T runneth over, 'cuz it comes with a convenient straw! I await your rebuttal, powder-peasants.

I wouldn't want to drink something that tastes like blackberries every day, but it just feels right in October. Blackberries are the most sadistic of berries after all. If you even have to ask why, you've obviously never picked them. Tiny thorns and splinters in your hands for days, and the staining. Nothing can stop the staining.

The best thing about buying pre-made Kool-aid is that you KNOW it's going to taste like it's supposed to. Kool-aid is an intricate chemical ballet of water to sugar ratios, and no two hand mixed batches will EVER taste the same. But this is straight from the source. You couldn't find better quality Ghoul-aid if you drank straight from the Kool-aid man's cherry liquid innards. OH YEAH!

"Godzilla love Ghoul-aid! It quench Gamma sized thirst!"

Why did Godzilla switch brains with the Hulk? Because there's only so much to say about Kool-aid in pouches. And "SKREEEEEEEE-OOOOONK" Doesn't convey the message here. That message being, "Buy Kool-aid in pouches."

Monday, September 30, 2013

October Launch!

October is right around the corner. Hallow's Gorium 2013 time! The new banner is up, some fuzzy goblin friends have infested the place, and I've learned from past mistakes. 

Last year's Halloween coverage was a complete bust. Sure, we witnessed the glory of Lego Ghost, but my laziness ripped the energy from my tippy-tapping fingers. Not so this season. This time... I'VE PLANNED AHEAD! That's right, no hastily slap-shod business here, I spent all of September taking photos, preparing artwork, and writing specifically for 30 days of spooky damn goodness. 

Tomorrow will kick off this season of murderous mirth, but for now dwell on this cicada in a witch hat. Hey, they may be summer bugs but those adorable shells stick around till christm- no, mustn't say it. The fat red man will hear, and awaken from his slumber.




Thursday, March 14, 2013

Terrible King in Purple

Whelp, apparently Yu-gi-oh Heroclix is happening, and I have no idea why I'm so excited. Nevertheless, I am all about Celtic Guardian and Summoned Skull teaming up with Batman and Gandalf. I haven't really even thought about duel monsters in years, but whenever I do the first beast that comes to mind is always... hold on I need the big text for a name like this...

TWO-HEADED KING REX!!!



See, this regal jerk was in the very first episode of the Yu-gi-oh anime I ever laid eyes on, and they firmly had their hooks in me at "giant two-headed purple dragon rex". To me, he's been the face of the franchise ever since. The moment I saw him I knew that this was going to be a very different beast than Pokemon, where you had a limited number of monsters to choose from. In duel monsters, literally anything could pop out of it's cardboard prison, from giant one eyed pumpkin kings to... well, this guy!


Which is why I'm sad to report that of all of my favorite beasties, this is the only one whose card I don't own. Oh, I tried, trust me. Booster after booster, no purple dino-lord. I didn't even care that his stats were middling and he wasn't anything really special, I was completely convinced that King Rex was the one true stomper of skulls, and that I would dominate the shady underground lunch-time Yu-gi-oh circuit. Lo, the reign of the fuchsia dino-dragon was not to be.





But, not all was lost! For one day in a haze of foil booster wrappers and bitter disappointment,  I stumbled into the toy aisle and found this beauty of a model kit staring back at me! And honestly, this guy is way cooler than a piece of cardboard could ever hope to be. By virtue of his snap-together nature, he even has some basic articulation. He's never been the biggest, always in the shadow of his larger Jurassic Park dino brethren. But in this new age of tighter budgets and smaller figures, he's finally finding his footing as a true tyrant lizard king! King Rex has fantastic sculpting all over his body, from the vertebrae in his twin necks, to the cracks and folds in his skin. I'd daresay this is the best he's ever looked, even compared to his card art or the show. Whoever the sculptor was that decided to take such awesome artistic liberties, I can't praise them enough.

But you know what he could really use? Some tiny Heroclix offspring to nip at his ankles, spreading carnage and destruction across play mats and folding tables worldwide. Every king needs heirs to the throne.


 

Monday, February 25, 2013

Thunder Lizard

You know what I love? Dinosaur toys. You know what I barely have any of? Dinosaur toys. I think it's time I remedied that.

I've looked in on the magical, darwinian worlds of Papo, Safari, and Schliech for years, but the ticket price always made me balk at the door. Ten bucks for a 4 inch dino always felt wrong when I could get a deluxe Transformer for the same price. But in this brave new economy, it's about what I'm paying for everything else anyway, so bring on the therapods!

I've been window shopping, ogling and analyzing which dinos to add to my tiny plastic herd. The Ceratopsian family is well represented, with Collecta's gorgeous Torosaurus, and Papo's Styracosaur and Pachyrhinosaurus. Papo also makes great carnivores like the now classic T. Rex and Velociraptor, plus the awesome Safari Giganotosaurus. But one old champion of the lost world I just couldn't find a good specimen of: Brachiosaurus, lord of the plains!

No matter what, something just felt off about all of the popular versions, too bent, too aggressive, too skinny... and then it hit me. I have a Brachiosaur!


...She just wasn't the prettiest. Don't get me wrong, I love the mold, the texture, the pose. What I don't love is the cheap bootleg-special paint job.To leave such beautiful bone structure hidden under cheap dollar store make up would be a crime against paleolithic fashion. Extreme dinosaur make-over: Cretacious edition!


Look! Look what I have created! With naught but acrylic paint (and a gallon of frog DNA) I have breathed new life into this sad, unloved Sauropod! What was made to be cheap junk, I have made into a masterpiece! ...or maybe just a grown man's plaything, but hey, at least I won't flush her down the toilet just to see what happens.


I have to say, even I was surprised just how well she cleaned up. I'm really curious who originally sculpted this, because the mold hidden under that original slop-job is fantastic! The shape of the eye hidden under that giant yellow splotch is so great, and the detail on the muscular ribs is so good. This is definitely my favorite Brach I've seen. Nice and placid, but not so much that she can't hold her own in a fight. 







 I wish I could give people a maker or manufacturer so they can hunt her down and give her the Jurassic Park paint job themselves, but she has zero identifying marks besides her name and the year 2000. If by some chance you can find her, by all means jump on it, because this was so easy and turned out so well it was just meant to be. My love, she is a 30 ton land-beast.
 
 Special credit to Jim-Bob Wan, whose wanton hobby spending I live vicariously through, and whose Brachiosaur color scheme I... "borrowed ideas" from.


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dilophosaur Don't Give a Damn

What do you do when you forget about your website for three months? Take pictures of dinosaurs.


 That's what my grandfather taught me, anyway. Why are they all Dilophosaurus? Because he's my favorite, that's why. Why would I take pictures of your favorite dinosaur? I don't even know you.


Just look at him. He's adorable! Who wouldn't take pictures of that toothy mug? I took these pictures during a sloppy, cold ice storm, and he still is just dripping with smug. He knows he's the top-shelf, 3 star, A-class dinosaur of choice for the wealthy and hedonistic.

And before even start with the "Boooo Jurassic park neck frills and acid spit and inaccuracy boohoohoooooo!"  consider this: Has a Dilophosaur ever told you to get your hairless monkey self off the couch and back up a tree? No? Then let him live his life! Isla Nublar is a prejudice free zone. Unless you're a fat computer programmer trying to start a jeep.


And can I just point out: This a Jurassic Park 3 figure. The Dilophosaur hasn't been in the movies since the first! Does he not deserve the spotlight once more? His entire rib cage is exposed, yet he still hasn't broken character! Such dedication! I think your choice is clear, Spielberg.

Jurassic Park IV: Day of the Dilophosaur