Monday, February 13, 2012

Like a Toast in the Snow

So remember how I was complaining about the lack of snow? WHOOPS.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Ice Road Troopers

In case the last post wasn't a blinding give-away, I'm in a Star Wars mood. I don't know if it's the smell of promise in the air with the retirement of the old king, or Darth Maul's mug plastered on every soda can imaginable (and let me just say that's some form of bizzaaro nostalgia time travel- it's like I'm nine again but the toys are way better), but I finally started reading Heir to the Empire, I'm getting caught up on The Clone Wars, and the gateway drug that is Ninjago has got me a little... block-curious.

Wal-mart post Christmas crop-rotation to the rescue! They had a ton of the Snowtrooper battle packs (and by a ton I mean at least 250. Seriously.) marked down to about five bucks. That'll do, multi-billion dollar company. That'll do.

Funny thing, I was all excited to buy an arctic pack, not just because I'm a big stupid cow for arctic variants, but because it was January. Say it with me: SNOW PICTURES! It's now February, and feels like summer. Sunova...

In this particular battle pack, you get two snowtroopers, an AT-AT pilot and Imperial commander. Oh man, dem sexy helmets. And actual blasters! Gone are the days of megaphones with red blocks stuck in the end! The AT-AT driver is a little out of place outside of his vehicle, but when your helmet looks that damn cool, you do whatever you want. Just ask Vader or Boba Fett. I can see where guys who are gonna' buy fifty billion of these to make an accurate population of the entire Original Trilogy universe would be annoyed, but I'm probably only buying this one so I care not. My compassion is a fickle thing. 

No, my main point of contention is Mr. fleshy head. Why Lego? Why did you render many years worth of product incompatible with these new flesh colored figures? You just changed. Honestly I don't care that much since I plan on getting other licensed stuff anyway, so Batman will look fine and dandy straddling an AT-ST. naye my finger of blame is pointed squarely at star wars for this one. Why do the imperial soldiers look so stupid? I mean, it's hard for anybody to look cool standing next 'troopers and Vader, but that big dumb bucket hat isn't doing him any favors. And without it he's quite bald, he doesn't even get the nifty double-sided heads Lego has been doing recently.

You also get a nifty arctic version of the classic speeder, and man is thing ten times better than the one I had as a kid. I know lego obsessives (or Afols or ufos or naacps or whatever acronym they like to be called) aren't fans of specialized elements, but c'mon. This new speeder body is just to damn perfect, and minifigures actually look good riding it. You also get some dinky little com-station and a little missile firing thing I didn't bother to build. A pattern I've noticed: Clone wars battle packs get really damn cool extras, Original trilogy tends to get a speeder and some forgettable bollocks. You'll see what I mean soon enough.

Overall, these battle packs are a great way to get some awesome minifigures and a couple nice extras. Lego has really stepped up their Star Wars product, and I've already bought way more of it than is healthy this month. Expect to see plenty of reviews. I've got a feeling my Mega-bloks Halo soldiers are going to be forced to co-exist peacefully with clone troopers and mandalorians for the foreseeable future.

Now about that Imperial comman-douche: LEGO POWERS ACTIVATE!

Ta-dah! From incompetent bald bucket-head to grizzled veteran commanding her loyal soldiers in the thick of battle! And that's why I enjoy Lego.

Also my auto-correct just tried to convince me I wanted to type "Mandingo". For shame, Microsoft.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Jabba the Guido

My name is Jabba, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day smuggling stupid ass spices. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any slaves? I mean, I guess it’s fun doing the Kessel run in under twelve parsecs, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jettisoning your cargo when the Empire boards you.

Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I was the leader of a smuggling ring, and wanted crime-lord. What crimes do you commit, other than “punch it, Chewie”? I also feed Pig men to Rancors, and have a banging hot dancing girl (She just choked me; poo-doo was SO credits). You are all nerf-herders who should just freeze yourselves in carbonite. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, February 5, 2012


Oh, after Christmas sales. You give me such wonderful new things to completely waste my money on. And at affordable, naye, genocidal prices! And that's how Ninjago began biting chunks out of my wallet.

They had the Garmadon and Whyplash (oh, that just has Mortal Kombat written all over it) spinners for $3.40, and I figured why not just grab a couple for some fancy new pieces to spread among the masses. Little did I know, those stupid tops are probably the greatest technological innovation in this decade. Toy tops. Not time machines. Reality is cruel.

What you get in these spinner packs is what you see in the picture, thus making this paragraph irrelevant. Go on. Skip it. I won't blame you. (Yes I will.) 

A Minifigure, the top, some cards, and two changes of weapon isn't too bad for the full retail of about ten bucks. Especially when you consider alot of those weapons are new or hard to get.

Let's start with Garmadon, the impotent Lord of Darkness. Just look at this poor guy. The potential is there, he just doesn't know how to accessorize! I mean, a fancy hat is all that sets him apart from the unwashed lego masses! Let's set him up with the SKELETOR SYSTEM FOR EVIL MEN tm 

There we go! Flanked by undead bodyguards, and draped in a billowing cape and the stench of death, Garmadon is truly a name to fear! 

Henchmen provided by Meatsheilds R' Us, Wardrobe by Terrordrome Outfitters.

Whyplash fairs quite a bit better, with all those newly molded skeleton body parts and big mad max shoulderpads. And I stand by my prior statement, if this guy isn't a dlc character for MK9 it's because he's just too much damn Kombat for Midway to handle.

Let's focus in on those stupid tops for a second. You saw the video, you saw how long that freakin' thing spins. You know what's funny? That was the most half-assed one handed spin ever. And they spin like that every time. Not only that, but I've seen people spin them upside down,and they still spin forever. No mechanical parts what-so-ever, it's just that damn well weighted. Clearly the lego group are wizards that could cure cancer. If they wanted to. What treacherous secrets lye behind Bob's smile?

The other greatest thing ever is the new two sided "lightsaber" handle piece that Whyplash's Whyp is made of. I've seen people make nunchaku, tonfa, maces, swordhandles, just a ton of unique weapons out of that piece. Speaking of pieces... 

MMMPH, DAT PARTS SPREAD. Lots of great new bits to spread the wealth. And Johnny M******N' THUNDER finally has the whip (not to be confused with Whyp) that he deserves. You can't put a price on destiny fulfillment.

I'd love to say that this is enough. That I'm happy with this little detour through Lego-land and I'm back on the highway to ADVENTURE. But it's already begun. I've already bought a new Ninjago set for full retail. And I want more. MORE. MORE!