Saturday, December 24, 2011

God Rest ye Merry, Gentlemen

The Eve of Christmas is upon us! Most of you are probably balls deep in presents at the moment, but I've prepared a short video presentation to express my love for each and every one of you holly jolly bastards!


You know what to do next, put on Rudolph (or mst3k's Santa Clause if you have good taste) and hold your breathe till the fat man comes to call!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

What's a Summophlange?

Can you feel the magic? CAN YOU HEAR THE ROAR?! IT'S PANTHRO TIME!

Oh yes. As soon as we saw the promo artwork for the new show, I knew I was going to love Panthro. When you take an already strong character, mix in one part Hellboy, and blend well you get one badass smoothie. And then Kevin Micheal Richards stepped up to the voice-acting plate and knocked it out of the park. That man is the living embodiment of the hard-ass with a heart of gold, my favorite character archetype ever. The fact that Panthro had a very well-written intro and story arch is just the cherry on top of that smoothie. It probably tastes like blueberry.


With Panthro being a man (O-HO SEXISM) he gets much better articulation than Cheetarah. It's only a balljointed neck and waist joint shy of Hasbro toys, and ample movement for any super-duper kung-fu nunchaku poses you'll need. You get his Nunchaku all ready to bust some domes, and a folded pair to tuck in his belt for when he's just workin' on his baby. Gotta be gentle with that 30 ton death tank. 

Only real complaint is that there are several missing paint apps. Surprise, it's made by Bandai! The Nunchaku should be red and blue, but Bandai never paints weapons, ever so no big deal. The main problem is around his nose, his nostrils should be the same light blue of the rest of his face. Without it he has serious old man nose going on, and looks about 20 years too old. Oh well, easy enough to bust out the brushes for a little touch up!


Man does he have some massive hands. I mean that in the most gloriously praising way possible. Those things could crush cinder blocks. A nice side effect of his elephantiasis is that his mitts are just the right size to hold Transformers tools, and Wheeljack has just the right kit for a fellow mechanic. Speaking of cross-franchise cooperation, He and Agent Helix have taken quite a liking to each other. I think it's their shared interest in massive death dealing engines of war.
If you only get one T-cats figure (and you hate Lion-o...you meanie.) then get Panthro. He's big, bulky and definitely gives you your money's worth, considering Wiley-kit is sold for the same price. And can you really put a price on holding a tiny Kevin Micheal Richards in your hand? Yes you can. It's $7.99.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Miracle on Orc Street



It's that time of year again in Azeroth: Winter's veil! The streets of Orgrimmar are choked with festive goblins and EVERY PLAYER ON THE SERVER JUMPING AROUND AND LAGGING YOUR COMPUTER TO DEATH. Let's go see merry old Great Father Winter!

Screw you Great Father Winter, you fat extortionist! He won't give me a thing until I bring him five gingerbread cookies and a glass of milk. Sunova- fine, I've been leveling my cooking anyway. I need five eggs, which I can get from the blood elf starting area. TO UNDERCITY! 


Oh GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!? Yeah, thanks Blizzard for signing a deal with Mr. T. Now I'm stuck with this wretched abomination crying it's eyes out the entire flight to the Eastern Kingdoms. 


You know, this is a long ass trip through three cities on two continents for five freakin' eggs. Fatty better give me a pony. At least the Forsaken are in the spirit of things. Get it? Spirit?  Cuz they're dead!...Let's just bake these damn cookies. 



Alright, I've merrily slaughtered three helpless dragonhawks and taken their eggs, all in the name of one fat semi-mythical saint's afternoon snack. Their blood is on your hands, father Winter. And probably in these cookies. I'm an adventurer, not a chef.





Ooooooh goodies! Let's rip it open and...it's leather. Just freakin' leather. I don't even use leather. Maybe if you laid off the ale Mr. Father Winter... at least I've got some milk and cookies left. Here's hoping my  actual Winter's Veil gift is better. I mean it has to be right? C'MON, PONY!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The Kolor of Kristmas is RED

KOMMRADE KRACKER!


CAPITALIST PIG WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE IN SOVIET RUSSIA NUT KRACKS YOU. THIS IS LIE. IN WORKERS' PARADISE, EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD ALL CRACK ONE (AND ONLY ONE!) WALNUT. NO ONE EATS IT. THUS IS LIFE IN RUSSIA.

KOMMRADE KRACKER GIVES ONLY ONE GIFT TO EVERY PERSON IN WORKERS' PARADISE: A BOOT TO THE ASS. ONE EACH. 

ANY MAN WHO GIVES A GIFT WILL BE EXECUTE. UNLESS IT IS VODKA. THEN YOU WILL BE EXECUTE, AND VODKA GIVEN TO BEARS. GOOD SOVIET MAKES HIS OWN VODKA, AND ONLY VODKA TO FEED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY. THUS IS LIFE IN RUSSIA.

KOMMRADE KRACKER!

Monday, December 12, 2011

WHO WILL RULE NEW URTH?!

Fueled by a wave of Christmas high, and inspired by X-E Matt's list of the best Yetis (that man...I swear if I were a woman) I realized it's as good a time as any to take a look at an old friend: BLIZZARD!

 

Primal Rage may not have been the best game, but you can't argue with the concept: Giant Gorillas that spit ice fighting fire breathing dinosaurs? HELL YES! And all of the animation was done the good ol' fashioned way: vinyl stop-motion puppets! Now imagine five year old me stumbling across this treasure trove of dinosaurs and monsters. Oh, I flipped my shit. HARD. I had to have a toy Blizzard, and thank god for Playmates. Not only were there toys, they were good toys, based directly off the puppets used in the game. If I never forget one event in my measly, tiny, dirty little life, it will be the day I woke up with a pointy box in a wal-mart sack poking me under the covers. Being an astute lad, I assumed it was a beer box, until I ripped away the sack and gazed into the eyes of that glorious blue visage. Blizzard instantly became the king of all toys, and remained uncontested until the Pokemon uprising of 2001.


All right, the Primal Rage nerds (all 4 of them) are clenching so hard right now, and I admit it: This isn't how Blizzard came factory stock. This is what he used to look like, and as you can see he's had a little work done. See, we had many glorious campaigns of conquest during my youth, chock full of perilous adventure. Perhaps a few too many said adventures involved bath tubs and swimming pools, however, as up until a year ago he looked a bit worse for wear. His majestic white fur was tarnished pee-stain yellow, and his sweeping mane was less Fabio and more Don King on a sweaty summer day. Even at his worst I stood by his side, and when the time came and my skills were sufficient, I retored my old friend to his former glory. LONG LIVE THE KING!


Whenever Old Saint Nick starts making his jolly rounds, my mind always drifts to Lord Blizzard. Maybe it's his icy theme, or the fact that Yetis and Christmas are like Pineapples and peanut butter to me (blame the bumble), but I think it's something else. He may not have been a Christmas present, but I think Blizzard is the best gift I've ever been given. That morning when I woke up, I had no idea that six inches of plastic gorilla were about to be in my hands, and it wasn't even a holiday. I can't even remember asking for him, he was just there, and the Universe was as it should be. 

I've tracked down a few of his friends in recent years, and I will finish this line if it's the last thing I do. Now Mr. Peter Jackson, you know what you must do. Finish the Hobbit, then it's time to RAGE OVER NEW URTH!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

House on Hangman's Hill

Finally! A childhood quest completed! Ages ago, when I was a wee lad, I caught the last 30 minutes of a movie on the local stations "Mid-day Matinee" type excuse to show cheap old movies nobody cares about in the slow daytime hours. I had no idea what was going on, I just knew I was seeing baby pterodactyls and caterpillar dogs, and a absolutely freakin' terrifying skeleton gunslinger on a dead horse. I loved it. Now, after years of wondering what the hell I had watched, I stumbled across the golden treasure on Netflix! Destiny, thy name is House II.

So, is it everything I dreamed it would be? In a word: yes. Now, let's get something straight: this is not a sequel to House. It never was, it never will be, and god forbid you suggest such to a fan of the original. In fact, that's why this movie gets so much negative press: the only people that watch it are fans of the original, and they of course hate it with the passion of an angry god.The main problem is that this isn't a gory cheese fest like the original or Evil Dead, it's a whacky adventure more in the vein of Gremlins or Weird Science. And the the thing is, it's a GOOD one. 


The story revolves around a struggling artist that inherits a giant Aztec themed house that is rumored to act like a dimensional portal when a crystal skull ( bear in mind this was made in the 80's. I had no idea this myth had been around that long. Suck it, Lucas!) is put in the mantle. So after digging up his great great grandfather's grave, he finds out that not only does grandpappy have the skull, he's still alive and well. Well, for a zombie. And the hi-jinx begins! 


The main character and his comic relief sidekick have to chase down the skull in different time periods, including prehistoric, and let me tell you, this is the least historically accurate depiction yet. Jurassic Park fanboys, get your diapers ready, 'cuz your pants are gonna' be so full by the end of that scene. As for me? I loved the hell out of it. Barbarian cavemen, giant cat dinosaurs, and furry pterodactyls ahoy! I'm a huge sucker for puppets, and this movie makes damn good use of them. From the cute sidekick animals to the horrifying skeletal horse, traditional effects are the driving force behind what makes this movie so damn fun. 


So, the the undead cowboy isn't nearly as terrifying as I remember, but that's okay. That skeletal horse on the other hand? Screw that damn thing. Nightmare fuel for everyone! And one super pleasant surprise? The dumb boring brunette that the main character is shacked up with at the start predictably pulls the whole "oh my god, your acting weird, you have to be cheating on me!" crap, and leaves with the sleazy producer guy (played by Bill Maher) who's been horn-dogging on her the whole time. Does the main character whine and chase after his "one true love" for the rest of the movie? Hell no, he forgets about her dull ass and hooks up with the awesome Aztec princess they meet half way through the adventure! Finally, now that's an ending I can get behind.

If you've got an hour and a half to burn, and some witty friends with a good sense of fun over quality (and possibly a little liquor in them) give House II a shot. At the very least, it's a nice escape from the overly dramatic (or overly stupid) movies we get today.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Assault on squad 45

By request, here are all three parts of Mega Bloks in-house stop motion Halo series, "Aussault on Squad 45":



Whoever the animator of these is, I'd love to see what he could do with some good old fashioned vinyl armature puppets.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Go Blue Team!

Is it true? Can it be?! The curse is lifted, my Target finally has the stock they should have had in August! It's been a hard, long wait but the exclusive Halo Mega-bloks blue team weapons pack is in my skeletal fingers! 


This is the first of the new Elite mold that I've had the chance to molest, and man was it worth the wait. "Improvement" doesn't even begin to describe how much better this sculpt is than the last, and the old one was a solid figure to begin with. The new torso has a much needed weapon plug on the back, and the sculpted mandibles on the new head are menacing as hell.

The kit load out is as such:

1x Carbine

1x Plasma Pistol

2x sexy painted Plasma Grenades

and the gooey glaze on this alien death-dealing donut

2x painted Needlers!

That's right, not one but two of the brand new needlers and they're both painted. Just the right amount for some good ol' fashioned dual wielding. What's that Bungie? Dual Needlers too powerful? Not fair? On the Deskscape, there is no "fair" only pink exlposive DEATH.

You also get one of the nifty new Covenant weapons crates to stash the extra munitions in. Oh, and you get the best display base ever. It's a super tiny chunk of jungle! There's a little rock and plant that you can slap down wherever you want to make this little spit of the Congo feel like home.


And it's versatile! take out the Halo elements and you've got a very different display. I love you Lego, we grew up together, but when it comes to display bases I have to rule in favor of big man Mega. Just imagine how great these little bits of land will be when the World of Warcraft line hits shelves, and you've already got a little piece of Un'goro Crater to loot and pillage!


For six bucks you just can't beat this set. Nearly every piece in it is new, and the few that aren't are painted up all nice and sexy. This is without a doubt the best weapons pack yet, and hopefully a sign of things to come. Now if only Target had stocked his crimson arch nemesis...