Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Free toys are the best toys. My mother gave me a mystery figure out of her yard-sale spoils the other day. Of course, being the Grand Warlock of plastic novelties, I knew exactly what it was...THE FREAKIN' BI-BEAST!!

He's like the third most well known Hulk villain! Unfortunately, that's like saying the third most black rock in a fire. Nobody knows who the hell Bi-Beast is, so don't feel bad. That's why I'm here, to fill that little head with the mental equivalent of dryer lint. 

Yes, you are correct, he has a two-story head. Why? Who the hell knows. Apparently he's an android made by a race of bird aliens to protect a temple or something. So why does he look like a horribly mutated inbred bubba-hulk? It was the 70's, and cocaine is a hell of a drug, that's why. This figure is based on his re-design from the movie video game, and thank god for that. I don't think I could take owning a two-headed man in a speed-o. 

He's got nice joints in all the right places... except the shoulders. Unfortunately he's been saddled with a gimmick: He's got the robot windmill punch going on. You know, when you whip your arms around and make a complete ass of yourself? Still I can't really complain. It's not like there's ever going to be another Bi-Beast figure ever again, and this one does him more justice than I could ever ask for. An okay figure is like a golden masterpiece to the brave souls like myself who fight for the ridiculous little characters of yore. Keep on punching Bi-Beast, you'll beat the Hulk someday...I j-just know it... *sniff*

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