Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Lose a Turn! Lose a Turn! Banished!

Get ready, 'cuz I'm about to pump 3 CC's of Halloween spirit straight into your eyeballs. You know the horror story about the evil board game that kills people? There's one for every horror variety show, Tales from the Crypt, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Twilight Zone. I think I might have the genuine article here. Atmosfear.

This is gonna' get Pic heavy in a hurry, so if for some god-forsaken reason a few .png's will make your harddrive explode, taking out a city block, turn back now. I can't have that bad Joo-Joo, man.

My friend came across this wonderful piece of arcana at a yard sale, of course. Mysterious origins, check. Creepy irresistible box, check. Crazed spirits of the damned? we're getting there.

That's the game board. Note my lovely assistant, Clawdeen, who stands around 12". This thing is huuuuge. Big enough to accommodate six players clawing at each other's throats. At this point, you put the tape in. Oh yes, there's a tape. A glorious beautiful tape. Seriously, just watch these tutorials. part 1 and part 2. It brings the game to life in a gloriously creepy world of made-for-tv rubber monster and fog machine effects.

The jist is that you are a damned soul with an hour to try to escape the after-life, while the Gatekeeper dicks you over time and again. And I mean diiiiick. Every few minutes he pops up to stop the game and starts taking turns like free pennies at a gas station. 

You start the game as a numb-skull, one of these nifty little plastic bits, as Clawdeen illustrates. Your job as a numb skull is to get to the center of any zone on the board before any other player, within the first ten minutes. Do so, and you become one of the badass Harbingers, and upgrade to much cooler plastic bit.

Oh, just look at that art. The Harbingers read like a list of "Most horrific historical figures ever." Elizabeth Bathelroy, Gevaudan the Werewolf, Baron Samedi, Anne de Chantraine, Pharaoh Khufu. But that's only if you make it to the center of a zone. If you don' become a Soul Ranger.
A soul rangers sole duty is to be HUGE DICK. See, it's nearly impossible to win as a soul ranger, because you can't get the stuff you need by landing on it. So what do you do? Take it out on the other players by stealing their stuff! There's nothing like stealing the key to victory right out of another player's hands on the cusp of winning. Your tears, like a fine wine.
What you need is a key of every color on the board. Then you have to land on a space by the cauldron in the center. Then you have to draw a piece of paper out of the cauldron that has a fear written on it, one for each player. If it's not yours, hey you win! If it is, well, better luck next time.
 Oh, and you have less than an hour. And the Gatekeeper is keeping you on a tight leash. Do you really expect to win? The fun here is just huddling in a circle and nearly having a heart attack together, especially with all six players. If you just aren't feeling that chill down your spine like you should in October, this game will give you enough to last the whole damn year. Now lose a turn!

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