Monday, October 31, 2011

King of Pumpkins

The ceremonial gourd has been sacrificed! But I didn't carve just any monsters face into my pumpkin, I carved...THE KING OF MONSTERS!

That's right, Godzilla. A very fat, Saturday Morning Cartoon Godzilla. Awwww look at his little nubby ears! Funfact: The designer who created the Godzilla rubber suit based the head on his cat, not a lizard or dinosaur. The more you know.

It's Dracula Day!


The day is finally here, bittersweet as it may be. This season wasn't the best, but in the end the worst Halloween is always better than the best normal day, amiright? The supermarkets might have forgotten the true meaning of Halloween, but I sure as hell haven't.

So let loose the wind sock ghosts! The honor guard of Halloween! These cheap, innumerable armies of plastic heads stuck on a scrap of vinyl cloth represent everything great about this season. No matter what kind of monster you are, whether it makes sense or not, everybody gets to glide menacingly on the chilled autumn breeze of October. Flap on, little trooper. Flap on.
Get the pumpkin lit, and set Samhain's candy aside. Pay tribute to the pagan gods of yore and gallivant naked and barking in the light of the harvest moon!

The hour is here, friends of the night. Go make a monster of yourself.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Zoo-Quest Part 2: The King Has Returned!

We now return to our regularly scheduled chimp-stench.

Uuumph check out this sexy side-bear...

Bone of contention, Little Rock Zoo: Your website is plastered with pictures of red wolves, there are signs pointing everywhere to red wolves. The only red wolves I saw? In this bizarre, crudely drawn sun faded comic page. The kicker? It's in spanish. Lolwut?
This Lion is clearly the lord and master of all he surveys. The moment he awoke from his glorious slumber, he began roaring and pissing on peasants through the fence. I tip my hat, sir

The best of the Halloween setup had to be this graveyard in memory of the badass species that ain't here wit' us no mo'. Megalonyx, cave bears, mammoths...thanks for reminding me, assholes :'(

You know how I said zoos are my horrible vice? What I meant to say was "Keep me away from the giftshop, or horrible things will happen." The beast takes over, and I just black out, only to wake up in a haze of overpriced rubber animals and a puddle of my own shame. So what monstrous disaster occurred when this grown ass man was set loose on a toy store?

One tiny measly gorilla. The damage was only fifty cents! Not nearly overpriced enough! This giftstore was a disgrace to the name, these tiny animals were the ONLY ones there! There were barely any plush! No wooden clacker snakes! And worst of all... THIS WAS THE ONLY DAMN GORILLA! Granted, this is a super badass tiny gorilla to go with MAH TINEH CAVE-WIMMENZ!
One great ape doesn't a disco make, however. This bear pretty much sum up my gentlemanly opinion.

speaking of which, this guy was freakin' adorable. I know which tiny animal I'm getting next tiiiiiiiiime...! 

On a more awesome closing note, this panther? 22 years old, and missing half his paw. Their average life span? about 11 years. Doesn't get more hardass than that, folks. You can read his tail (HA!) here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Zoo-Quest Part 1: DAT GORILLA

Field trip! For the first time in over 3 years I FINALLY get to revel in my most depraved of vices: Zoos. I loooooove zoos. Exotic animals, cheap novelties, and a labyrinth of paths to explore, Oh my yes. And this Zoo just happened to be decked in full Hallow's Eve regalia. Monkeys and skeletons, two great tastes together at last.

  I got a little slap-happy with the photo-box, so this article is DRENCHED with pictures. Ye' be warned...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Swiss Roll Out!

In the same vein as the Flash cakes that came out of nowhere earlier this year, Hostess pulled some transformers glucose laden death balls out of their ass. Hnnnnng those freakin' names! Choco-wave is the best thing in the universe, like shockwave had to turn to Holo-porn when the Autobots won the war.

Let's get our diaclone-beetus on.

 Eating snowballs has always been like eating a live tribble, and this takes that experience to the next level, with realistic gooey red innards! And eat enough, and it really transforms into an expensive medical bill for a stomach pumping! Oh Snowballimus, you'll never be as cool as Choco-wave, but you'll always be more lethal.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Lose a Turn! Lose a Turn! Banished!

Get ready, 'cuz I'm about to pump 3 CC's of Halloween spirit straight into your eyeballs. You know the horror story about the evil board game that kills people? There's one for every horror variety show, Tales from the Crypt, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Twilight Zone. I think I might have the genuine article here. Atmosfear.

This is gonna' get Pic heavy in a hurry, so if for some god-forsaken reason a few .png's will make your harddrive explode, taking out a city block, turn back now. I can't have that bad Joo-Joo, man.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Totally Not Reign of Fire

Finally got my hands on some Dragon's Universe! Imagine knights and dragons, but in the future. That's Dragon's Universe. Also the dragons are from space. Awesome.

Unfortunately, the distribution here is non-existant. I only managed to snag this one random Alliance soldier figure pack through sheer luck (here's lookin' at you, Sabrefox). But man, was it worth it. Just as much articulation as the Halo spartans, with twice the firepower and raw plastic involved. If you can find these in your area, throw down the two-fiddy. just do it.

Uh-oh wall-o-pics!

One of the great things about this line is that there is virtually no backstory, so feel free to pull it out of your ass! The only thing to go on is that they hate dirty lizards and have a name (this one being Spurius) so this is what I came up with:

Mira Spurius was born into one of the oldest of the sorcerous bloodlines, and thus expected to enroll in one of the arcane Universities once she came of age. In a surprising move (and openly resented) she instead enlisted, and was among the first wave of colonists sent to populate the first earth colony, shortly before the Predavore invasion. Due to her raw mana manipulation abilities and seeming inability to sit still for too long, Spurius quickly found herself commanding the infamous Blue Devil scouting unit. This was as much a way to keep her untrained and instinctual mana spurts
 from harming the infantry on the frontlines, or causing malfunctions in the mana-powered artillary, as a promotion.

She shares a bond with her second-in-command, Ziggrub, one of the few remaining Orcs, and the only one currently enlisted. As such, she is a strong proponent of orcish repopulation after the near-extinction caused by the Oz'grub conflict. This also is most likely a contributing factor to her squads early-adoption of defecting Predavore soldiers.

Bear in mind that sketch was done at 2 in the morning before posting this article. Yep.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

CoH part 5: What a Twist!

Remember the G-man from before, had his wife captured by Arachnos? Well, he's gotten himself Arachnos. Maybe I should look up any relations, maybe an uncle or grandmother kidnapped by Arachnos? Just rescue the entire damn clan at once.

I beat the location out of some punks, burst down the door to the dingy warehouse he's kept in and...oh.
Slightly more... homely than I expected. Apparently Arachnos liked the neighborhood, and decided to make this dirty pee-stained warehouse home. 

Same old, same old. Axe to the face, grateful citizens, adrenaline-fueled orgy, awkward silence of regret afterwards. Let me tell you, Atlas Park is full of freaks. But with Mister and Mrs. G-man in safe hands, who betrayed him in the first place? Oh no! It was Mister Generic Mcquest-giver! 

He starts goin' on about blah blah good needs evil blah blah 35 minutes ago. Then he asks me to kill him for the greater good or some crazy BS. Ha ha, no, enjoy your prison.

Awww happily re-united again. There's no way they'd get kidnapped by Arachnos again, with five billion supes and capes standing right there. Maybe. 

She-ape: Healing the world one broken household at a time.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Heroes in a Reboot

So, I just read the first two issues of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot series that IDW has started. You should too. Go out, get in your car, go to the nearest place that sells comics, and freakin' pick them up. Gone are the days of the Turtles being a joke turned legitimate franchise. When this version of the story starts, the focus is all about the turtles and not snide 80's comics references (funny as they may have been).

Bear in mind this is completely a reboot of the comics not the show. This is a good thing, trust me. No cowabungas, plenty of ass-kicking animal mutants. I don't know if "reboot" is even the right word, considering Kevin Eastman (one of the original creators) is on the writing team.The artwork is like a polished version of the ink scratch style of the 80's-90's indie comics scene, perfect for the turtles. and the story is just plain fun so far. It's like the best elements of every version of the show/comics distilled into one good fluid narrative. Well, two issues worth anyway. The third issue comes out later this month, and hard as it is getting comics here, especially from smaller companies, you can bet your ass I'll be tracking it down.

What else is good? Two words. Casey. Jones. Hell. Yes.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Brains in da' Bayou

Halloween toy review? Halloween toy review.

I could have sworn my love affair with Mega Bloks started with the Halo sets just this year, but that's not quite true. The first bit of Bloky goodness I ever bought was the Zombie from the plasma-verse line. He was sitting all alone in the discount aisle, with nothing but a One dollar price tag to fend off the cold... of course I had to bring the wee rotter in. I regret nothing.

See, he's not your average Romero shambler. He's a classic voodoo swamp zombie! Just look at those mutton chops, you know he's been wandering for a century or two, chomping on frogs and gators. He comes packed in a swank wooden crate, locked down with rusted chains and rotten with age. The paintwork is friggin' fantastic, I mean who would even begin to think a children's toy could look this horrifically gruesome? 

He's not the most mobile in the world, but he does well enough. And, surprise, his jaw can open and close! I'm a sucker for hinged jaws. You can't beat an awesome zombie and a nice box for a dollar, and they make great props for all your old-timey adventurer types.
If you just gots ta' have a mortificated plantation owner, you can probably find them on ebay pretty easily, but even better, I just saw about three of these in a Kmart a month ago. Good hunting, and remember to aim for the head...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Punch Viruses in the Face

Anyone who has seen the Digimon movie knows that the best fifteen minutes of anything EVER are right there in the first two parts, and the rest is a total downhill jumbled mess. Haven't been blessed by this miraculous feat of animation? Go, cleanse your unholy tainted soul, and come back forthwith. Well, what if I told you that there was an entire movie's worth of that. That magic special something, just waiting to fill the void left in your soul? Look no further. Summer Wars is here.

Basically, it's the story of a code-monkey math nerd's struggle to stop the world from ending and save the internets, while trapped in a cabin with a lot of computer illiterate jackasses who won't stop squabbling over their own petty problems. Oooooh I can't be mean, their a bunch of lovable louts and you'll get over how much they slow down the plot by the end of things. You know, since they are the plot. I never thought a movie about hackers, nerds, and vidjya junkies trying to get back their hacked facebook profiles would be a poignant look at the family dynamic. Don't look at me like that, the cartoon violence is coming.

First, let me explain this world. Everything and everyone is tied together by one big social networking site, OZ. Transactions, infrastructure, military, everything. Now imagine a virus hacks the system and decides to pull the greatest troll in history. Yeah. And mister computer nerd just happens to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with the world's best PvPer. (A 13 year old asian kid. Who'da thunkit?) The only way to save the world, stop the God of All Trolls, mend a broken family together, and be de-flowered by the emotionally compromised lady-friend? GOOD OLD FASHIONED C-C-COMBO BREAKAHS!!! 

It's a roller coaster ride, I swear. You need the slower parts with the family to get a moment to calm the hell down. the entire time the virtual world is shown, you will be yelling. I never yell. I was yelling very lude, incomprehensible things at my television. It's that exciting. Seriously, if you like anime, the internet, the vidja, or just rabbit-men punching Hindu Gods, watch it. 

As the observant (read: not blind) may have noticed, when I like something I NEED toys of it. Figma did a great set of Summer Wars figs, but unfortunately Japanese imports just aren't within my means. But that's okay...'cuz there's always papercraft! Here's a great looking King Kazma pattern based on the template, go forth and cut! Glue! Glue you fools!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Crunchy Corn

Ahhhhh Delicious mass produced sugar. It's what the season's all about- Monsters and Nom-Noms. Let's have a peek under the sweet candy dress (ooh bawdy) of White Chocolate Candy Corn M&M's. That is alot of names.

Oh my, White chocolate. The things I would do to white chocolate. And candy corn, the traditional mistress of sugar that we over indulge once a year out of obligation. She may not be that great, but our memories of the time spent with her are fond year round (except the 3 hours after eating three bags of her. God help us.) When the two make sweet love beneath the illicit shell of an M&M...It's interesting. Good, but...strange?
Okay, let's focus here. It's like white chocolate M&M's, but with generic candy sugar flavor added. Kind of. It also yields like candy corn, but there isn't any candy corn in it. I really can't convey this in words. It's like a mystery wrapped in an enigma. No, just a shell. But it definitely feels Halloween-y, and isn't that the best kind of Halloween candy? The kind you can barely identify, and would never touch otherwise? Go orange white and yellow! 

You really just have to try this, especially if you love dat sweet sexy white chocolate. It's not better than plain, but it's the right kind of variety to keep things interesting, like a bunny costume. 

I like white chocolate too much don't I?

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Watch the Extras

Every year, we get Halloween episodes. It's just the way of things. Even if the show doesn't take place on Earth, or even during modern times, someone somewhere carves pumpkins and gussies up for candy-beggary. These episodes are both a blessing and a curse for the heavy Toon-addicts, because the animators just loooooove slipping in costume cameos and we have to strain our poor basement adapted eyes at the background to try and spot them. Most of the time they're obscure characters that had no chance of ever appearing in an actual episode, or a character from another show the creators worked on. Then there is the one to rule them all.

Spectacular Spiderman introduced a new character in a throwaway Halloween cameo! That is the genuine Black Cat, not some shmuck in a costume. Just casually strollin' along for all of a second on screen. Bear in mind, she wouldn't be in an actual episode until waaaaaay later in the season. Well played, sirs.

And then there are those that are not so obvious, but right in front of your face. Transformers Animated didn't need Halloween cameos, the whole damn show is one big cameo. But one tiny little thing that might slip your notice...
Disregarding how FREAKIN' ADOOOOOOOORABLE Sari is dressed as Optimus, the true cameo here is... Cardboardimus Prime, Favorite among broke untalented convention go-ers!

Keep an eye on the crowd-shots, animators are tricksy ones...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Sexy Sexy Stick Figures

Nothing says Halloween like costumes, and Stikfas are like a dress-up in a box. Somewhere between model kits and action figures, you get a plastic stick figure body and a ton of clothes and props to slap on any way your sick little mind desires.

Let's take a look at a few possibilities from the Demoness kit:

Of course, the classic demoness

That old time witchy goodness.

The Pagan fertility godess

And of course the fan-favorite Pumpkin-head dominatrix!

Now that the fun is out of the way, the bad news. These guys are fragile. I mean fragile. I barely touch mine, and there are stress marks at every joint. Tender is the word of the day here, you ham-handed neck bears. No flopping them about like a two-bit hasbro transformers harlot. It takes a gentleman's touch. Bear this in mind before tracking them down, cuz they're not exactly cheap, being both imports and a canceled line.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a sultry gourd-headed broad to attend to...

Monday, October 3, 2011

Always Check Your Candy

Ho, friends! Our first movie review of the occult season beckons, and it may well be the Halloween movie to end all Halloween movies. On Christmas you watch Rudolph, on thanksgiving you watch sweaty men wrassle a ball, but on Hallow's eve you watch...Trick or Treat.

This movie has every element a good Halloween movie needs: costumes, debauchery, werewolves, fog, a twist ending (several in fact), urban legends, and a little pagan ritual for good measure. Did I mention that all of that is done with traditional effects? That's right kids, no CGI. I know, it's horrible, now take your whining in the other room so the adults can talk. 

You always hear people describing movies as "if Tim Burton made _____", well this is the movie Tim Burton has forgotten how to make. Quirky black humor and the kind of spooky atmosphere that feels warm, like a nice fireplace on a cold autumn night. You don't watch this movie as the meek simpering victims, you are the abomination that lurks in the night, looking on in revelry at the macabre  celebration that is Halloween! 

This movie feels warm and fuzzy, familiar territory that you love revisiting. Gremlins, Goonies, American Werewolf in London, shades of all the creepy fun movie classics are everywhere in the best way possible. And then there's the cute mascot.

Samhain, the ancient spirit of Halloween, is the character that ties all of the interlinking stories together ( and man do they ever interlink) and he just so happens to be adorable in the way only a blood-thirsty rules lawyer of  a pagan god can be. Neca put out a figure of him in their "Cult Classics" line, and I think I know who's got a place on the ol' shelf warmed up for him.

I can't believe it took me so long to watch this movie, and if you haven't yet just go. Now, just go. I'll be here to gush with you when you get back. 


I swear the director knew I would watch this someday. So I'm just and watching along, nomming mah candy corns and what-not, and what should suddenly pop up? 

SEXY BARBARIAN LADY! The icing just suddenly met the cake, and made sweet diabetic love. Why is this not one of the Halloween aisle standards.

Oh, and the chick from Trueblood is in it. Pfffft.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

CoH part 4: Dammit Flambeaux!

Uh-oh! My super BFF's are in trouble! Arachnos is attacking their base, and they won't stop until they get panties! (probably Grym's, I mean a spider themed terrorist organization? Totally furries.)

I rush to the base, bust down the door, take out a tough guy with a shotgun... and nobody's home. Well I'll just access this security terminal (ie: Punch it 'til it does something) an- OH GOD!

Twin shot pulled a Creep-and-grope on me! I knew she was checking out my ass! But no time to talk about this, Dillo's in trouble.

Before you can say "sexual harassment" the little guy was in safe hands, but he's hurt...bad. I just need to get 'im to a pressurizer and he'll be okay! Right a pressurizer, because Yeti's know all about science equipment.

I ran into Flambeaux on the upper floor looking for the presure-ma-thingie. Hey, Flambeaux, Do you know where a pressure thingy is? Yeah, of course not.

Oop, found it! It was on the second floor! Ok, next objective- go to the third...floor. To save Flambaeux. But she...I...whatever.

From there it was just a case of mop-up duty. Not many punks can stand up to a six super Juggernaut wave! Look at that motley crew of badasses, I mean is that not just the perfect pictu- *sigh* dammit Flambeaux.